While we don’t know all the reasons behind the Gates’ decision, it is clear they are not alone in separating after decades together. Past research published in The Journals of Gerontology found that more than 1 in 4 people getting divorced in the United States are over age 50, and over half of those divorces happen after 20 years of marriage. Pew Research data from 2017 found that the rate of divorce after age 50 nearly doubled from 1990 to 2015. And a study published in June 2020 the Journal of Family Issues found that in people over 50 attitudes shifted to be more supportive of divorce from 1994 to 2012. The “gray divorce” rate actually doubled from 1990 to 2010, and it’s remained at that level ever since, according to Susan L. Brown, PhD, distinguished professor and chair of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio, and author of the book Families in America. That statistic comes from the study published in The Journals of Gerontology, which she coauthored and which used data from the U.S. Vital Statistics Report and the American Community Survey. Something is definitely going on among people in the second half of life that’s different from younger adults, Dr. Brown says. “It’s quite distinctive and it’s at odds with the trend for younger adults these days. For them, the divorce rate is plummeting,” she adds, citing 2019 research conducted at Bowling Green University and published by the National Center for Family and Marriage Research there.
Evidence Finds Marriage Is Good for Your Health … Usually
Something is definitely going on among people in the second half of life that’s different from younger adults, Brown says. “It’s quite distinctive and it’s at odds with the trend for younger adults these days. For them, the divorce rate is plummeting.” Epidemiological studies that follow large groups of people to compare outcomes associated with various factors suggest that people who are married tend to have better physical and mental health and live longer compared with people who aren’t married. A meta-analysis published in Psychological Bulletin found that across all health outcome categories, including cognitive function and cardiovascular health, there were small but consistent associations between greater marital quality and better health. RELATED: How Good Relationships Boost Your Health But such research doesn’t mean that all marriages are good for health on an individual level. “We know that staying in a low-quality marriage can be very detrimental for individual health and well-being. When you look a little deeper, marriage is protective for individual health and longevity when couples are in satisfying and rewarding marriages, but in marriages that are low-quality and full of conflict, the outcomes are significantly worse on average,” Brown says.
So Why Is ‘Gray Divorce’ Becoming More Common Now?
There are likely many factors contributing to why more older couples are getting divorced more now than previous generations. One reason, Brown suggests, is that the meaning of marriage has shifted. “Our cultural script or expectations for what constitutes marital success have changed over time,” she explains. A good marriage is now defined by questions such as “Does this marriage make me happier as a person?” and “Is my marriage contributing to my self-fulfillment?” says Brown. “If the answer is no, then divorce may be viewed as an acceptable solution,” she adds. Also, more women are more economically independent now, giving women an alternative pathway out of an unsatisfying marriage that women of previous generations may not have had, Brown says. RELATED: Why Gen X Women Have Not Been Sleeping Well During the Pandemic Finally, older divorce may be more common than any other time in history for a simple reason: People are living longer, says Brown. If you survive to age 65, you may live another 20 years, which is a long time to spend with someone you’re no longer happy with, she says. “You might want to call it quits.” In a statement Bill and Melinda Gates released via Twitter, they said: “We continue to share a belief in that mission and will continue our work together at the foundation, but we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in this next phase of our lives.” Brown notes: “That language aligns with this notion that there’s still a lot of life left to live and wanting to do it in a way that is personally and individually rewarding and satisfying.”
How to Strengthen Romantic Relationships at Any Age
Staying connected and growing together with your spouse or long-term partner can help you better cope with whatever life throws your way at any age. Here are six tips for doing just that:
1. Remember What Made You Fall in Love With Your Partner
When you’re with someone for many years, you can begin to stop seeing their positive qualities, and instead focus on all the things they do that are annoying or disappointing, says Jane Greer, PhD, a New York City–based marriage and family therapist and author of several books on healthy relationships, including What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. “I encourage couples to think back to what they first fell in love with in each other and what they found so appealing and attractive about the other person,” she says. “By remembering who that person was and how they made you feel, it can help rekindle desire and excitement.”
2. Get Curious About Your Partner
When you first fall in love with a person, you’re very curious about what they are thinking and feeling, but couples who have been married for a long time can lose that, says Harville Hendrix, PhD, a couples therapist and coauthor of Getting the Love You Want (which he wrote with his wife, who is also a couples therapist). “Curiosity is when I show interest in you as a person without it necessarily being driven by anything I need. It’s really important in a relationship — and it’s sexy,” he says. “Being curious is good for relationships because it helps you to listen and be more open,” he says. When your partner is talking to you, instead of wondering when they’ll be finished so you can interject a story or comment of your own, try asking: “Can you tell me more about that?” suggests Dr. Hendrix. It makes your partner feel valued and safe when you give them your full attention, and it promotes bonding between the two of you, he adds.
3. Honor Boundaries
Good boundaries are more important than ever given that work, school, and many other aspects of home life can all take place under one roof, says Hendrix. “If your partner is in the middle of something and you walk up to them and start talking — even if it’s to give them a compliment — the other person can view this an interruption to what they were thinking or feeling,” he says. If you want to decrease conflict and increase the chances that your partner will be open to what you have to say, check in with them first, he says. “Start interactions by asking your partner, ‘Is now a good time?’ and give them a chance to respond,’” says Hendrix. And if they say no, respect that answer.
4. Shake Things Up — Plan Something New to Both of You
Although long marriages can mean years of shared experiences that bring you closer, there’s also a risk you’ll end up in a rut, says Dr. Greer. “If you’re always seeing the same friends and going to the same spots, changing things up can improve your relationship,” she says. New experiences give you something to share and bond over, she says. There’s even research to back why a fresh experience may give your relationship a boost, according to Harvard University. When you fall in love, constant thoughts and excitement about your new partner can flood your brain with dopamine and norepinephrine, the same brain chemicals that are released when you try a new activity. A small study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that after 10 weeks of once-a-week date nights, couples who went on more exciting or novel dates showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than couples who went on more ordinary dates.
5. Ask for What You Want — but Nicely
“If you want something different from your partner, make a request,” Hendrix suggests. Whether it’s a simple request about household chores or something more significant like how frequently you would like to have sex, make a request so the person knows what to do, says Hendrix. “This is more beneficial and easier to understand than being told you’re doing something wrong or that you need to stop doing something,” he says.
6. If You’re Not Happy Sexually, Talk About It
If one partner isn’t as interested in sex as the other person, if when you feel desire isn’t aligning schedule-wise, or if sex is feeling not as satisfying as it used to, don’t ignore the problem, Greer says. Talking to professional such as a sex therapist can help with clarity about the situation and how it might be improved, she says. “I would encourage the couple to try to be as clear as possible with each other in terms of what they each want. By being open and addressing the disparity, we can then try to bridge it,” says Greer. Each person should feel as though their sexual wants and needs are acknowledged before beginning work on what the solutions might be, she says. RELATED: What Your Libido Says About Your Health
