It’s no secret that living with MS can take a toll on your daily life, but for people who are diagnosed in their 20s or 30s, many of whom are searching for a partner, the idea of dating is fraught with concerns: How can I date when my MS is constantly intruding on my social life? When do I tell a new partner about my diagnosis? How will the disease impact my sex life? Will anyone even want to date me? These concerns are all valid and not uncommon, says Julie Fiol, RN, a licensed social worker and the director of MS information and resources for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. “MS is a complex disease,” she says. “It can be hard to talk about or explain [to a partner] why some days you feel fine and other days you don’t. It could make dating harder when you’re not sure how you will feel.” MS can also impact sexual feelings and function — a big part of most romantic relationships. “Not everyone can handle being in an intimate relationship with someone who has a chronic illness,” says Fiol.
The Singles Scene: When to Bring Up MS
Chelsey Merrill, 27, an account manager living near Portland, Maine, was single when she was first diagnosed with MS. After hearing the news, she recalls thinking, Who is going to want to take this on? Unlike her, a potential romantic partner would have a choice about living with MS. As a result, Merrill says, she didn’t date for a while. When she finally decided to give online dating a try, she struggled a lot with how much to disclose about her illness and when. “It’s a really vulnerable thing to tell someone and a lot to unload on a first date,” she says, “but I also didn’t want to feel like it was a secret I was keeping.” Hers is a common dilemma. It makes sense to wait until you feel a real connection with someone before revealing something so personal, but you don’t want to wait so long that your partner thinks you were hiding it, says Fiol. “There is no right time for everyone,” Fiol adds. “It’s a very personal choice, and most often you will be able to tell when the time is right.” Eventually, Merrill came up with a kind of litmus test for her online matches. She would ask them, “What’s something you’re most proud of this year?” After they responded, and naturally returned the question, she would mention her MS fundraising work. Based on her date’s reaction, she would decide whether or not to tell them about her diagnosis. “I was terrified, but every experience I had sharing it turned out fine,” she recalls. Merrill has now been in a relationship for a little more than a year. When her partner learned she had MS, he grabbed her hand and said, “I don’t know why you’d ever be afraid to tell me that. It’s not a bad thing.” “You really have no idea,” says Merrill. “I could be fine today and wake up unable to move my arm tomorrow.” If you’ve just been diagnosed with MS, remember that your partner is processing the diagnosis as well. “Depending on how long you’ve been dating, the person might already know you and have determined how they feel about you, regardless of your health,” say Fiol. “Some people rise to the occasion and show their support, while others are fearful of the unknown and run.” Matt Allen Gonzales, 29, a freelance writer in Moreno Valley, California, had been dating someone for two years when he was diagnosed with MS, at age 20. Not long after, the relationship ended. “This kind of diagnosis is difficult for most adults to adjust to,” he says, “and we were basically just two kids.” Losing a relationship to a disease that already takes so much from you can be heartbreaking, but ultimately, Fiol says, you deserve to be with someone who will support you no matter what. Catherine Weston, a 25-year-old marketing manager in Richmond, Virginia, was friends with her long-term partner before they got romantically involved, so he was aware of her MS. Even so, he hadn’t seen the truly difficult aspects of her disease until they started dating, she says. “Often,” says Weston, before a relationship has gotten serious, “they have only seen you at your best. They don’t get the harder, nitty-gritty times when you can barely get out of bed or have intense mood swings or need to isolate yourself to just cool down from the world.” Now in a committed relationship, she recognizes, “It’s hard for us who have MS, but it’s also tough on our partners, who stand by us through everything.”
Sleeping Together: How MS Can Affect Your Sex Life
Whenever you decide to take a relationship to the next level — or the bedroom — nerves can rise. And MS adds another set of complications, whether it’s your first time having sex with a new partner or you’re getting intimate with a spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend. MS is known to cause pain, numbness, tingling, or hypersensitivity, which can affect genital sensation as well as sexual desire. Women can experience vaginal dryness; men can have difficulty achieving erections; and both may experience decreased frequency or intensity of orgasms. On top of that, fatigue and mood changes can decrease sexual interest and desire, says Fiol. There are fixes for many of these issues though, says Fiol. For example, if fatigue is a frequent problem, she suggests being intimate earlier, when you have more energy, rather than waiting for the end of a date. “It can take the pressure off, and then you can have a relaxing date night,” she says. Medications can address many physical complaints. Using pillows strategically or varying positions can help too. The best way to maintain the quality of your sex life is by talking regularly — and frankly — with both your healthcare provider and your partner.
Pillow Talk: Communication Is Key to a Relationship With MS
Being able to talk freely with your partner is crucial to a relationship when one of you has MS. “It’s so important to find an understanding partner who values communication over all else,” says Weston. “Sharing how you feel when you have MS is essential to not only a stronger relationship but also to getting the help you need, when you need it.” Weston recalls a camping trip she took with her boyfriend, when the heat knocked her out with fatigue and pain. “He held me in an air-conditioned camper as I cried from how intense the pain was,” she recalls. “In prior relationships, I was often told, ‘You’re tough. Get over it,’ or, ‘It doesn’t look that bad to me.’ Now I can express my pain, my emotional woes, and my struggles and he’s always there to bring me a bar of chocolate or watch bad movies with me.” If you have MS, you will need an empathetic partner. The disease is confusing enough for the person who has it, but for someone on the outside, it’s even more difficult to grasp, says Gonzales. “They can’t see that you are feeling fatigued, nauseated, dizzy, or pained,” he says, “so you have to verbalize every little thing you can to help mitigate the chances of a misunderstanding occurring.”
Making the First Move: Self-Love With MS
Of all the dating challenges that accompany MS, Gonzales believes the biggest is “overcoming your own insecurities.” “That’s usually the first hurdle people have to get over when trying to jump into dating,” he says. It can be scary to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, but if you have MS, you’ve already been through a lot, and you will be able to handle this, too, when you’re ready. If you’re struggling emotionally to take the first step, consider reaching out to your healthcare provider, a therapist, or an MS support group for resources and support.
